Thursday, May 18, 2006

I'm a Love Tool.

Anyone ever been heartbroken? Yeah… me neither.

Ok, now that we're done lying to ourselves, I've had my heart broken numerous times. My first "true love" was when I was 17 and 18 and when we broke up I was convinced that life was over and I would never and could never love again.

Needless to say that was not my last relationship, I have had the fortune to date a handful of guys in the 11 year interim, and yes, a good share of them broke me yet again. I may have done a little breaking too, you'd have to ask them, but I think it kind of all evens out.

When you fall in love the first time it is not necessarily that everything is perfect or fairy-tale-ish, but that you feel like soul mates. You can be ridiculous together and not feel self-conscious or like a dumb-ass. You have enough in common to really be able to enjoy your time together… and of course you're attracted to each other enough to want to hump like rabbits.

Love like THAT may only happen once in a lifetime. I was under that impression for about 10 years. I assumed that the amazing feeling of unconditional love that I had given and received could never be re-created in that way, but I was wrong. Last year I met someone and fell madly in love with them. It was completely irrational and ridiculous, we are 10 years apart and this was his first serious relationship. While I can say now (after the relationship is over) that I am not trying to rekindle that relationship, it's brief existence reminded me that you CAN have all those things in one person.

It is possible to have someone be as crazy about you as you are about them.

That sole truth is what has led me to accept all the heartbreak. I am a very emotional person and it's true that I have had a hard time letting go of all the pain that I feel was dealt to me in various breakups, but it was all worth it to experience whatever the next relationship turns out to be.

For awhile I thought I was just another "learning tool" to all these guys… they end up treating the next girl fantastically and leave me wondering why they couldn't learn the lesson in the context of the relationship, but now I am happy to have blessed them in whatever way I did. I am good friends with the majority of my exes and their now-spouse or girl-friend, and very happy for them. Would I have wanted to ultimately end up with them forever? Looking back now I can generally say no… so there is no harm, no foul.

It's not so bad to be a Love Tool. Just as long as I'm not JUST a tool!

1 comment:

Marc said...

Guys have been a source of a lot of pain for you, all the way back to your dad. I'm really sorry for that. You deserve better. Always have. I'm glad that you have new hope for what's next. It's been so great to see you growing, stretching and making yourself vulnerable in the past year or two.

The good thing for all of us is that dumb mistakes and bad choices in the past can actually turn into wisdom for our future. You're a good person, Reese. I'm glad to know you.