Tuesday, August 12, 2008

All About Poop

As I sit on the couch on yet another sleepless night, you may well wonder what it is this time. Too many beings in my bed? Drugs? Not enough drugs?

Nope, I have to poop. Only I don't.

It's in there, patiently waiting, but not giving me the remotest suggestion that it is at all interested in coming OUT.

I've been eating salads for days and drinking massive amounts of water, tea, coffee, coke, and tonight took two Dulcolax and a hot shower.

Granted, if you are still reading, you have not been scared away...so continue at your own risk. It won't be too graphic, just a short history into my bowels.

During Christmas break of 1994, I was engaged (ridiculous! I was 18!) and my fiance and I drove from our college town to my hometown to his hometown and back to the college town. Since it was the holidays, we also ate a lot of garbage and did a lot of sitting around.

Soon, I realized that it had been about two weeks since I had, erm, emptied. True, most people grow up going once a day or so (at least), but I didn't ever have anyone pull me aside in kindergarten and say "One plus one is two, I poop daily, so should you!"

Two weeks was then three and I was obviously eating less, and getting a bit sluggish. I tried store-bought enemas (couldn't figure them out, frankly) and drank a heap of prune juice, and nothing helped.

Soon I was unable to stand up straight and in constant pain, finally my cousins drove me to the hospital for a "real" enema, which I only accepted because they called and got my mom on the phone, she being the only one that could convince me it was for the best.

For those of you fortunate enough to have never HAD a hospital-inflicted enema, IT IS HELL. I have managed to survive to adulthood despite being quite accident-prone, and despite all the hard objects I managed to meet with my skull, surviving a bunch of hot water up the bum surpasses them all.

And they tell you it's "warm water." They are LYING. It may be warm to them, but when it hits your 98.6 insides that water is enough to make you clench everything up even more. Furthermore they instruct you to "hold in" the ticking time bomb as long as possible.

As long as possible was about the time it took me to get from the gurney to the bathroom, and I was done.

They wanted to subject me to an encore and I politely declined. I was taken back home and put to bed and slept for about 14 hours.

Two days later I started to regain an appetite, which was good since I was down to about 105 lbs (at my height of 5'8"). I joined a friend at her grandparents house for lunch on a saturday afternoon and the only thing I recall that was on the menu was garbanzo beans. Oh, I know there were other things to eat, and I ate them, but the chickpeas are what burned into my memory.

That night I started feeling nauseous. And a bit, ah, "rumbly in the tumbly." I spent the next two hours on the toilet with my head in a trash can emptying out everything that was left in my poor body.

Back to the ER I went, a mere two days since my other issue, and was given a needle about 8 inches long into my buttock with drugs that were supposed to stop both problems.

By the end of that experience I was down to 98 lbs.

In the 14 years since, I have no pride when it comes to poop. I can and will poop anytime, anywhere. I try to not bring it up at dinner, or say, a wedding, but if I gotta go, I will excuse myself from the festivities and take care of business.

So yeah, a few paragraphs about poop.

I was inspired when I cleaned up after Stinkerbell this morning. If only my guts would be so inspired...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is quite possibly your best post ever. Ask anyone, I love poop talk! Woot! I never understand the ability to not poop. I go at least 2 maybe 3x a day, no runs good healthy man poops.

I wish you the best..

poopman :)

Atypical California Girl said...

I get a little "bound up" when I travel. I don't know what it is.
Nerves?
Not comfortable pooping in a public toilet?
Time zone change?

Anyway, on my trip recently I realized I had not pooped in three days. And I was going to be diving soon.
I was worried. What does that do to your body at 50 feet under water? I was contemplating a quick Internet search to see if there was any info on diving that way.

No worries though. I managed to unbind in time.

But really, what does that to people?

My dude thinks it is just crazy that anyone can go more than a day.

But I think dudes are just more full of shit than women. That's why dudes poop so regularly. I mean seriously. I can set my watch by him.

Jim Thomsen said...

I think of my pooping life in two distinct eras: Pre-Alli and Post-Alli.

In the Post-Alli Era, I poop softer, more frequently ... and frequently with much less anatomical "notice." I would say I'm solidly at three "soft serves" a day. And if I do happen to go 24 hours without "mailing a package," I do indeed resort to the store-bought enemas. It is uncomfortable, but it's such a relief to feel cleaned out and unclogged.

Scott said...

i can poop in a plastic bag on a moving tank. let me refrase that... "i HAVE pooped in a plastic bag on a moving tank..." while shooting or fixing something none the less. anyone that knows me at any length knows i am the most "regular" person on the planet. what i mean by "regular" is that it is regular for me to pass gaping Grand Canyon-fulls of wind or excuse myself very suddenly from enven the most engaging of situations. I get crudded up when i lift weights really heavily. so much protein and so much water expulsion. its like a bunch of masons are conspiring to hide this year's yeild behind my prostate.

So, i applaud you honesty. i can imagine your intestons are probably straightened out by now.

just hurry up so we can do it.

bung.

love, hubby.